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BY NOW, we’ve seen enough to know that the kitchen gadget drawer is less storage, more Pandora’s box. Part I gave us the Ninja Slushie as our unlikely muse; Part II doubled down with Egg Minders and Kale Strippers. And yet, the contraption parade marches on. Because somewhere between the Smart Salt Grinder and the Muffin Top Pan lies proof that our collective imagination for needless tools is truly bottomless.
1. Pickle Picker
A fork. For pickles. With a drip-catching caddy. Truly, human ingenuity knows no brine.
Verdict: Crap.
2. Quesadilla Maker
Great for dorms, less so for kitchens that already have a frying pan. Pre-triangulates your quesadilla, but still requires cutting. Cleaning is its final boss level.
Verdict: Crap (but niche-useful).
3. Rapid Ramen Cooker
A microwaveable bowl… shaped like a bowl. The same bowl you already own. Occasionally bursts into flames.
Verdict: Crap.
4. Slap Chop
Made famous by infomercials, reviled by home cooks. Loud, clunky, and somehow harder to clean than your sink drain.
Verdict: Crap.
5. Smart Salt Grinder
Wi-Fi. Voice controls. For salt. Because saying “Alexa, season my stew” is the dystopia we deserve.
Verdict: Crap.
6. Spiralizer (Zoodle Maker)
The gateway drug to soggy courgette noodles. Used twice, then abandoned with the yoga mat.
Verdict: Crap.
7. Strawberry Huller
A dainty little jabby thing for removing strawberry stems. A paring knife does it better, faster, and without looking like medical equipment.
Verdict: Crap.
8. Trongs
Mini claw-tongs that let you eat wings or chips without dirtying your fingers. If you can’t handle a wet wipe, perhaps finger food isn’t for you.
Verdict: Crap.
9. Turkey Baster
The annual guest star of Thanksgiving. Promises juicy birds, delivers disappointment and one more sticky thing to wash.
Verdict: Crap.
10. Wine Bottle Opener (OXO)
At last: a unitasker that earns its keep. A sturdy corkscrew with foil cutter that actually makes life easier. But yes, it’s bulky.
Verdict: Moment in the sun.
11. Yoghurt Machine
Because store-bought tubs were too convenient, apparently. Often used twice, then left to fossilise on the top shelf.
Verdict: Crap.
12. Corn Holders (those little yellow things)
Cheap, cheerful, genuinely useful. Protect your fingers, double as tiny pitchforks.
Verdict: Moment in the sun.
13. Pasta Measurer
A disc with holes that tells you how much spaghetti to cook. Or you could just eyeball it. Or, radical thought, use a scale.
Verdict: Crap.
14. Muffin Top Pan
A tray that makes muffin tops without muffins. Cute idea, redundant in practice. Use a sheet pan and move on.
Verdict: Crap.
15. Truffle Slicer
An indulgent single-tasker… but one you can repurpose for Parmesan or gherkins. Sometimes the bougie tool has unexpected street cred.
Verdict: Moment in the sun (niche).
So concludes Part III of our Encyclopaedia—a reminder that the true innovation of late capitalism isn’t the next Instant Pot, but the sheer audacity of gadgets nobody asked for. Still, the saga continues. In Part IV, expect delights like Potato Peeling Gloves, Rapid Coffee Brewers, and other contrivances that blur the line between problem-solving and problem-creating.
