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THIS YEAR’S VIRAL KITCHEN DARLING? The Ninja Slushie maker. TikTok is frothing over it, Wirecutter gave it a reluctant thumbs up, and suddenly we’re all convinced our lives are incomplete without one-touch frozen daiquiris on demand. It does beg the question though: what is it about kitchen gadgets—especially the niche, the hyped, the single-task wonders—that so reliably hijacks our wallets and our counter space?
Welcome to Slurrp’s Encyclopaedia of Dubious Kitchen Contraptions, Vol. I. A lovingly curated compendium of tools that promised glory, delivered varying degrees of chaos, and still lurk in drawers, cupboards and impulse-buy graveyards worldwide. Some are useful, some are ridiculous, and some are the sort of thing you only find at 3 am on late-night shopping channels.
THE ENTRY LIST (Vol. I, Abridged for Your Sanity)
1. Banana Slicer
For those who believe a butter knife is too edgy, behold: a plastic mould that promises perfect banana coins. In reality, it’s slower than slicing by hand, harder to clean, and a guaranteed drawer-lurker.
Verdict: Crap.
2. Bagel Guillotine
A medieval torture device rebranded for brunch. Large, awkward, and infuriating to wash, it sits there smugly while your serrated bread knife does the same job in half the time.
Verdict: Crap.
3. Boiled Egg Cuber
Yes, you can now square your eggs. For reasons that remain… elusive. Novelty lunches, perhaps? A conversation starter? It’s basically performance art, but messier.
Verdict: Crap (novelty).
4. GarlicZoom Garlic Chopper
Imagine a tiny plastic car you roll across your counter until the garlic inside surrenders. It’s oddly fun, surprisingly efficient, and just ridiculous enough to feel like a keeper.
Verdict: Moment in the sun (niche).
5. Onion Goggles
Do they make you look like a lab rat? Absolutely. Do they actually stop the tears? Not really. A fan, an open window, or a sharper knife works better.
Verdict: Crap.
6. Happy Hotdog Man
Turns sausages into little people. Marketed as “a toy you can eat,” which sounds faintly dystopian. Loved by exactly three children in Ohio.
Verdict: Crap (novelty).
7. Juicero
The Silicon Valley fever dream: a £400 “smart juicer” that required Wi-Fi and proprietary juice packs… which could also be squeezed by hand. A gadget so infamous it’s basically the Fyre Festival of kitchen tech.
Verdict: Crap (historical artefact).
8. Salad Spinner
Divides households like few other contraptions. To some, it’s a bulky plastic menace that hogs half the cupboard. To others, it’s salvation: perfectly dry leaves that actually let the dressing cling.
Verdict: Mixed.
9. Bear Paw Meat Shredding Claws
Half kitchen tool, half Wolverine cosplay. Do they shred meat? Sure. Do two forks do the job equally well? Also yes. But they are dishwasher safe, and admit it—you kind of want to try them.
Verdict: Mixed.
10. Garlic Press
Maligned by chefs, loved by garlic over-users. Critics say it ruins flavour and clogs drawers; fans say it saves time and spares drunk fingers. The Kuhn Rikon model even has a cult following.
Verdict: Mixed (love it or loathe it).
11. Ice Cream Maker
The fantasy: artisanal pistachio gelato every Saturday. The reality: a hulking freezer-bowl thing collecting dust. Unless you own a compressor model—and the motivation of a Michelin chef—it’s an expensive hobby horse.
Verdict: Mixed.
12. The Chork
Fork + chopsticks hybrid. Perfect if you fear judgment at your go-to Pan-Asian place; useless if you have opposable thumbs and a spoon.
Verdict: Crap (humorous novelty).
13. Rollie Egg Shitter
Yes, that’s its real nickname. A vertical tube that extrudes cooked eggs like grotesque Play-Doh. Supposed to be fun. Mostly horrifying.
Verdict: Crap.
14. Pineapple Corer
Part-time saviour, part-time waste of drawer space. If you’re a pineapple-a-week household, it’s magic. If not, it’s landfill with delusions of grandeur.
Verdict: Mixed.
15. The Fondue Pot
We all bought one once. We all used it once. Then we all remembered fondue is cheese soup that glues itself to every surface it touches.
Verdict: Mixed (nostalgia only).
Thus concludes Volume I of our Encyclopaedia. Consider it a public service—or perhaps a warning label—before your next late-night gadget purchase. Stay tuned for Part II, where we’ll tackle the Dumpling Cube, the Condiment Gun, the infamous Rachel Ray Garbage Bowl, and more. And if you’ve got your own cursed contraptions hiding in a drawer? Tell us. Misery loves company, and so do cluttered kitchens.
