IF YOU THOUGHT Part I of The Slurrp Encyclopaedia of Dubious Kitchen Contraptions had scraped the very bottom of the unitasker barrel, think again. The Ninja Slushie may have set us off on this journey, but it turns out the rabbit hole is deeper, stranger and stickier than we imagined. Because for every Banana Slicer or Bagel Guillotine cluttering our drawers, there’s an Egg Minder, a Condiment Gun, or a Kale Stripper waiting to prove that human ingenuity is both marvellous and utterly unnecessary.
1. Avocado Slicer
Supposed to pit, peel, and slice with surgical precision. In reality, it mashes more than it slices — unless you own the one unicorn model that actually works. Knives and spoons remain undefeated.
Verdict: Crap (with a niche exception).
2. Boiled Egg Peeler (Egg-Stractor)
Shake an egg in a cup until it explodes into sad yolky shrapnel. Could’ve just peeled it by hand, mate.
Verdict: Crap.
3. The Condiment Gun
Why use a spoon when you can pretend you’re in a Wild West ketchup duel? Fun for about five seconds. After that, it’s a cleaning nightmare.
Verdict: Crap (novelty).
4. Dumpling Cube
The name alone sounds like a rejected Marvel villain. But it does crank out four perfectly formed dumplings at once. Dumpling obsessives may find it genius; everyone else calls Swiggy/Zomato/Uber Eats.
Verdict: Moment in the sun (niche).
5. Egg Minder (a.k.a. Facebook for Eggs)
A smart tray that tells you how many eggs you have left and how old they are — because apparently opening the carton is too analogue.
Verdict: Crap (gimmick).
6. Golden Goose Egg Scrambler
Scrambles your egg inside the shell. Peel it open and voilà: pre-swirled. But also… why?
Verdict: Crap.
7. Kale Stripper
You don’t need a tool to strip kale. You need fingers. That’s it. End of.
Verdict: Crap.
8. Microwave S’more Maker
S’mores without fire, flavour, or dignity. Cue limp marshmallows and despair.
Verdict: Crap.
9. Never Soggy Cereal Bowl
For people who can’t eat their breakfast in under four minutes. Features a built-in wall to keep cereal and milk apart. Honestly, just eat faster.
Verdict: Crap (novelty).
10. No-Mess Tuna Can Strainer
Does what the tin lid already does. Except worse. And fishier.
Verdict: Crap.
11. Rachel Ray’s Garbage Bowl
It’s… a bowl. For garbage. Which is what any other bowl, or your bin, already is.
Verdict: Crap (with branding).
12. Robot Pancake Art Maker
A fiddly 3D printer for pancakes, because nothing says “relaxing Sunday breakfast” like calibration errors.
Verdict: Crap.
And thus Part II ends, proving once again that the line between genius and junk is thin, wobbly, and often covered in egg residue. But our Encyclopaedia is far from complete. Join us for Part III, where we’ll dive into the Pickle Picker, the Smart Salt Grinder, and other contraptions that belong in either a kitchen drawer — or a museum of failed inventions.