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YOU'D THINK the kitchen gadget drawer had cried uncle by now. But no. Much like sourdough starters in lockdown, the contraptions keep multiplying. Welcome to Part V of our Encyclopaedia, where innovation and absurdity are now indistinguishable, and the only real guarantee is more clutter.
1. Pancake Pen
Lets kids doodle pancake letters and shapes. Fun for about ten minutes, after which it becomes a sticky squeeze bottle you resent washing.
Verdict: Moment in the sun (niche).
2. Ravioli Press
Marketed as the artisanal gateway to homemade pasta. In reality, it’s fiddlier than IKEA flat-pack furniture.
Verdict: Crap (unless you’re Nonna).
3. Rice Cooker
Beloved across Asia, dismissed as redundant in Western kitchens. Truth is: once you have one, you’ll never go back.
Verdict: Moment in the sun (workhorse).
4. Soap Brush (OXO)
A dish brush with a built-in soap dispenser. Sounds clever until it leaks soap everywhere like a guilty toddler.
Verdict: Crap (with exceptions).
5. Spiral Butter Spreader
Turns butter into coils. Supposedly aesthetic. Actually a crime against common sense.
Verdict: Crap (novelty).
6. SpreadTHAT! Heating Knife
A battery-powered knife that softens butter as it cuts. The kind of over-engineering that makes a microwave feel smug.
Verdict: Crap.
7. Tomato Slicer
Clamps the tomato into place and forces a serrated cut. You know what else does that? A knife.
Verdict: Crap.
8. Teflon Cookware
A modern miracle… until it scratches, flakes, and makes you paranoid about eating microplastics.
Verdict: Mixed (useful but disposable).
9. Rotating Pizza Oven
Spins your pizza under a heating element. It works, but so does your oven.
Verdict: Crap (niche amusement).
10. Ron Popeil Gadgets (Catch-All)
From the Pocket Fisherman to the Chop-O-Matic, his empire of infomercial nonsense deserves its own wing in this Encyclopaedia.
Verdict: Crap (with iconic status).
11. Ice Cream Slider Maker
Moulds cookies + ice cream into sandwiches. Cute idea, but cleaning is worse than buying a pack at the shop.
Verdict: Crap.
12. Corn Butterer
A little capsule that holds butter for rubbing across corn. Works… but so does a pat of butter and a knife.
Verdict: Crap.
13. Microwave Pasta Cooker
A plastic box to boil spaghetti in the microwave. Nothing says fine dining like half-cooked noodles glued together.
Verdict: Crap.
14. Wine Aerator
Supposed to “open up” your bottle instantly. Mostly makes your wine gurgle dramatically while doing nothing.
Verdict: Crap (sommelier eye-roll edition).
15. Electric Marshmallow Roaster
Takes the fire out of s’mores by spinning marshmallows over a hot coil. Results in a lukewarm blob of sadness.
Verdict: Crap.
Thus ends Part V, and still the rabbit hole goes on. The more we catalogue, the clearer it becomes: the real innovation is in how many ways we’ll try to dodge knives, forks, and fire. Stay tuned for Part VI, where even more cursed curios await—because the gadget drawer is bottomless, and so is our appetite for mocking it.
