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MILLIWAYS
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Today's Specials — Narrated by Yours Truly, the Sentient Waiter
Greetings, distinguished diner. Welcome to the only establishment where time literally waits for no one, but we do. Our chef has just returned from the heat death of the cosmos, arms full of ethically questionable ingredients and stories he won't shut up about. So, tuck in — before entropy does.
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STARTERS & LIGHT BITES
Algolian Zylatburger
A meatburger composed entirely from the most unpleasant bits of a creature already famed for its complete lack of pleasant bits.
Optional extra: A drizzle of Vulcan Dodo spit — should you feel unworthy of joy.
What our guests have to say: “Disgust!” — Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox | “Like the universe ends inside a particularly bleak takeaway.” — Mr Ford Prefect.
Hagro Biscuit
A Dentrassi delicacy — mysterious, murky, and mildly malevolent.
Blue bread-like base, green guac-esque goo, various aggressive seasonings.
Caution: Vogon versions are... best avoided.
Our guests’ reactions: Mr Arthur Dent spat it out. Mr Ford Prefect managed a swallow. Barely.
Toast
Radiant heat applied to bread until browned or burnt beyond recognition.
Bonus: Our chef wields a heated knife for added drama.
Caution: Not to be attempted by rank amateurs. Mr Arthur Dent’s pre-Earth-demolition attempts usually led to charcoal.
Peanuts
Deceptively humble Earth snack.
Proof that you can save the galaxy with pub grub.
Mr Ford Prefect swears by them as an emergency salt-and-protein replacement.
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MAIN COURSES
Dish of the Day: Ameglian Major Cow
A sentient quadruped who would quite like you to eat him, thank you very much.
Expect soulful eyes, small horns, and flavour recommendations from the beast itself.
Suggested cuts: shoulder (braised in wine), well-exercised rump, or a hearty casserole.
Will voluntarily nip off and shoot himself post-order. Very humane.
Good to know before you order: Mr Arthur Dent chose the green salad instead.
Vegan Rhino Cutlet
Don’t let the name fool you — it reeks.
Served at an important meeting between mice and men.
Good to know before you order: Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox thought it polite. He was wrong.
Four Rare Steaks
Best known as Mr Beeblebrox’s hasty pivot after meeting the Dish of the Day.
Classic panic order. Still rare, still red.
Green Salad
Better known as Mr Dent’s moral line in the sand.
Preferred when the meat introduces itself.
(The cow, incidentally, finds vegetarians annoying.)
BEVERAGES
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster
Described as “having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”
Invented by Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox. Worshipped by fools.
Ingredients include:
Ol’ Janx Spirit, Santraginus V seawater, Arcturan Mega-gin (iced), Fallian marsh gas, dissolved Suntiger tooth, and more.
Served with an olive, and an ambulance on standby.
Advanced Tea Substitute
What you get when you ask a Nutrimatic Dispenser for “tea” and trust it.
Result: Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
Great for Brownian Motion. Terrible for humans.
Good to know before you order: Mr Dent detests it. Universally.
Tea
Proper tea.
Symbol of sanity, Earth, and the pre-apocalypse.
Mr Arthur Dent’s most consistent desire across space and time.
Janx Spirit
A sin in a bottle.
Beloved in hyperspace ports, sung about with regret.
Lyrics include:
"For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die..."
Still, one more?
Jynnan Tonnyx
From the Golgafrinchans, who definitely didn’t invent gin and tonics, but acted like they did.
Exists on 85 percent of planets — always named before interstellar contact.
Ranges from tepid tap water to death-in-a-glass.
Variants include: gee'N'N-T'N-ix, tzjin-anthony-ks, jinond-o-nicks... and yes, gin and tonic.
Tzjin-anthony-ks
The Gagrakackan version.
So potent it can kill cows at a hundred paces.
Order with caution (and a will).
Coffee
Brewed beans.
Mr Dent once drank this instead of tea.
Later immortalised via a 15-foot statue hurling a coffee cup on Brontitall.
Also occasionally part of complex Bistromathics calculations. Because maths is weird.
Whisky
Spirited spirit.
As ancient and revered as its Gaelic cousins.
Beer
Earth’s most versatile liquid.
Described by our guests as: A muscle relaxant — Mr Ford Prefect | A ticket off earth (and into madness) — Mr Arthur Dent.
Should you wish to conclude your meal with a paradox, philosophical quandary, or short existential crisis, dessert is available upon request (and temporal clearance).
Do flag down your server, provided time’s arrow hasn’t snapped.
And remember our house motto:
DON’T PANIC.
